


Finding the right words

by dreigiau



Series: A future worth fighting for [2]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Canon Compliant, F/F, Mutual Pining, Pre-Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-21
Updated: 2020-10-21
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:26:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,186
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27137962
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dreigiau/pseuds/dreigiau
Summary: Spoilers for 2x112Set during the Nein's voyage on the Midnight Hammer, Yasha finds some time to contemplate her conversation with Jester. Whilst attempting to finish the poem a certain monk turns up and the barbarian is faced with a 'nice moment' that she'd told Jester she was waiting for - but will she take the opportunity?
Relationships: Beauregard Lionett/Yasha
Series: A future worth fighting for [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1988308
Comments: 20
Kudos: 213





	Finding the right words

**Author's Note:**

> This was meant to be set immediately before the dire-crab attack at the end of episode 112, but ignoring the fact that Beau had been up on deck at that point, but honestly with those die-rolls Travis was making this could probably fit with any night during the voyage XD

_Eyes so blue._

_And hair so shorn...on the sides_

A heavy sigh escaped Yasha as she stared down at the words she had scribbled in her journal just a few days ago. 

What was she doing? Why had she thought this was a good idea? 

The conversation with Jester had caught her off guard, and in the safety of the inn, and the encouraging smile on her friend’s face, she had found herself comfortable enough to finally admit out loud those feelings she had been battling for months now.

She liked Beau. Of course she did. How could she not? 

Beau who could be so loud and brash, who could take down an enemy with her fists alone, who acted like she couldn’t care less what people thought of her. 

Yasha remembered how Molly used to call her ‘unpleasant one’, and if she were honest she had been quick to agree with him on that. Sure, there had been a certain charm to the young monk. And whilst, at that point in time, the flirtations hadn’t been reciprocated, it had still been nice to feel wanted in those short moments. 

But all of that had been a lifetime ago. Or at least it felt that way. 

Yasha wasn’t great with time, it had never been important as part of the tribe, but she estimated that the Nein had known one another now for almost an entire year. 

And in that time they had gone through so much together, and apart. 

Beau had been full of surprises, it had turned out. 

She was the complete opposite of the persona she showed the world. She was soft, and kind and incredibly loyal. Like Yasha she was battling with loneliness, with the belief that she would never be enough. 

Now, a year later, Yasha was realising that Beau _was_ enough. More than enough. And that her friend deserved to have someone tell her that, and make sure she always knew how much she was worth to someone. 

What Yasha wasn’t sure of, however, was whether that someone could be her. 

She wanted it to be. 

But maybe Beau didn’t. And on top of that, she was mourning her wife, was it okay for her to be feeling this way for someone else? 

_You can’t feel guilty for how you feel._

Yasha sighed at the memory of Jester’s words. 

_If she makes you feel happy that’s a wonderful thing. It’s rare!_

Beau did make her feel happy. Warm and fuzzy and happy inside whenever their eyes met - whether that be across the battlefield, across the campfire or even just when they thought the other wasn’t looking. 

And Yasha _did_ feel guilty for that. 

In her tribe you mate for life. And sure, she and Zuala had broken much of the tribe’s rules but that one had stayed - when they had married, under the darkness of night, it had been with the intention of being one another’s for the rest of their lives. 

Another heavy sigh escaped the barbarian, her head falling back against the wooden wall behind her. 

_Don't let me be a shackle._

“I wish I could speak with you. Properly” she whispered into the emptiness of the Midnight Hammer’s cargo hold, in which the Nein had set up their quarters. 

Zuala would have liked Beau, she thought. She would have appreciated the monk’s tenacity, the loyalty she showed to her friends and most of all the kindness of her heart. 

“Because I have no idea what to do” her elbows dropped to her thighs, her head falling to her hands. 

Yasha was terrified of dishonouring Zuala’s memory. She had sworn off Beau the moment she had realised her feelings towards the monk had the possibility of becoming something more than attraction. 

It had made no difference. 

Not after everything they had been through together. 

Every smile, every brief touch, every word shared between them, Yasha had unknowingly stored them away somewhere in the depths of her heart, and they were finally beginning to burst the seams. 

She had no idea what to do. 

The conversation with Jester had given her confidence, but she had promised the tiefling that she would speak to Beau. Had insisted she wanted to find a nice moment, but the truth was she had no idea what to even say. 

That’s why she had been staring at the words on the page, the beginnings of the poem Jester had helped her with, in the hopes that if she could finish it then maybe it would give her the confidence to finally speak with Beau. 

Instead it was having the opposite effect. With every passing moment she became more and more convinced that Beau would look at her like she had grown a second head if she started reciting a love poem to her. 

_You act like a lovesick child, Orphanmaker._

She could practically hear Zuala’s voice, berating her softly, that amused smile playing on the corner of her lips. 

_If I had not seen it with my own eyes then I would have trouble believing you’d ever been in love, certainly not married._

Yasha smiled softly, her eyes squeezing shut. She knew it was all in her head, but Zuala’s voice calmed the storm inside her, centred her. 

She was right of course, this memory of her wife. The barbarian knew that she hardly acted like a woman who had been married. For a long time she had hoped that if anything were to happen between herself and the expositor then it would be Beau who would instigate things. At least then Yasha would know that Beau felt the same. 

_No you wouldn’t. You would question it even then. You did with me, remember?_

There was a teasing hint to the words that she was sure her own mind was conjuring, and she could practically picture the eye roll that would have accompanied it had Zuala still been here. 

Beau was waiting for Yasha to make the first move, Jester had said. 

If it were true then it filled her with adoration for the fact that Beau was being so respectful of her feelings, but at the same time filled her with dread because she quite clearly did not know how to do this. At all. 

Before she could spend anymore time agonising over what she would say should the right opportunity present itself, Yasha’s solitude was interrupted. 

“Oh, hey Yasha…” Beau smiled a little awkwardly as she noticed the large frame of the aasimar sat up against the wall, knees drawn up to her chest and a book of some sort resting against her legs. 

“Oh...” Yasha whispered a little breathlessly, clearly caught off guard by the sudden appearance of the monk. “Beau, Beau, Beau…” she found herself stumbling over those damn words she had been reading over and over for the last hour. 

“Yeah…” Beau laughed nervously, hand reaching up to rub the back of her neck. “That’s uh - that’s me” she shrugged a little awkwardly, eyes flickering cautiously over the barbarian. “Sorry to...disappoint?” she offered, nose scrunched slightly, in a way that Yasha found adorable. 

“No, of course not” Yasha’s response was instant, her eyes a little wide. “You could never disappoint me, Beau” she admitted and then instantly began to turn red. 

Luckily for her Beau had no idea because she’d averted her own gaze as she felt a flush across her neck at the other woman’s words. 

“I mean...it’s not disappointing to see you, just surprising. It’s -” Yasha shut herself up and took a breath, trying to focus on what she was saying and not the way Beau’s skin shone with what appeared to be rain. “Did you want something, Beau?”

The monk hesitated, throat a little dry as she looked at Yasha, eyes falling to the open journal. 

The moment Yasha noticed where Beau’s eyes had drifted to she snapped the book closed with a little too much vigour to avoid suspicion. 

“No” she shook her head. “No I just -” Beau hesitated a moment. 

_Why_ had she come down here again? 

Fuck, she could not remember. 

Instead of admitting that her train of thought had been rendered irrelevant at just the sight of the other woman, Beau instead stepped through the arrangement of cots set up by the rest of the Nein, and sat down on the floor beside Yasha. 

Their eyes met and for a few moments there was nothing but Beau. 

And nothing but Yasha. 

“Hi…” the taller woman finally breathed out, and if Beau hadn’t been so flustered by it then perhaps she would have noticed the way Yasha’s pale skin was reddening. 

“Hi” Beau replied with a soft laugh. 

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah” she nodded at Yasha’s question, dipped her head and averted her gaze. “Yeah, yeah. I’m fine, yeah” she insisted. 

“Were you tired?” 

Beau frowned a little confused by the question. “No, no I’m not tired” she promised. “Why? Are you?” 

Fuck. Had Yasha been trying to rest? She had known Yasha to sleep sat up against a wall before, perhaps that’s what she had been doing and Beau had stupidly barged in. 

“No” Yasha shook her head, a small amused smile on her face. “No I just -” she gestured towards the makeshift entrance way of the quarters the Nein had fixed for themselves on the Midnight Hammer. “I was wondering because you had come down here, maybe you had wanted to rest,” she explained. 

“Oh” Beau nodded in understanding. “No, no. I just - I was just gonna see if there was a spare jacket or something” she explained, blue eyes glancing up at the woman beside her. “It’s fucking freezing on this ship”

“It’s a little warmer below deck,” Yasha mused. 

“Yeah, yeah. Warmer. Yeah, I guess it is” she agreed and offered a soft smile. 

Yasha bit her lip nervously and glanced down at the now closed journal in her lap. 

“I was just uh -” she fumbled for what to say, not quite ready to admit she had been writing poetry. Or attempting to write poetry, at least. 

“Is that your -” Beau gestured nervously towards the journal. “Where you keep the flowers? For Zuala?”

“Oh. No. Not this one” Yasha shook her head and took the opportunity to slide the journal back into her pack, and instead pull out the book in which she pressed the flowers for her wife. 

“Can I -” Beau hesitated, not wanting to make Yasha uncomfortable. “Would it be - I don’t know...can I take a look? It’s fine if not, it’s okay if you want to keep it private. I mean, they’re for your wife, right?” she stumbled over her words, trying and failing to find the right ones. “In fact forget I said anything, it’s nothing to do with me”

“Of course you can look, Beau…”

Yasha’s words caught her off guard, as did the feel of the barbarian placing the book in her lap. 

“You sure?”

“Of course” Yasha nodded. “For sure”, and when Beau looked up there was a soft smile on the aasimar’s face that made her heart flutter. “It’s - I don’t think anyone has ever asked to look before. It’s nice…”

Beau returned the smile, fingers nervously brushing over the leather binding of the book that she knew meant so much to her friend. 

“Well” Beau shrugged and looked back up at Yasha with a small smile on her lips. “It’s important to you, I didn’t want to presume it would be something you’d wish to share” she explained. 

“There’s not much I wouldn’t share with you, Beau”

The monk’s heart betrayed her once more, fluttering at the words falling from the other’s lips, and she swallowed hard, eyes falling to the book once more. She wanted to make a joke, she wanted to deflect from the things Yasha was making her feel, but her mouth was dry and her head was empty of any words. 

So instead she bit her lip and carefully opened the book and began to slowly look through. 

Beau wasn’t exactly sure what to expect, but inside she found so many different varieties of flowers, lovingly pressed into the pages and beneath each one was a description of where they were found. Sometimes just a location, other times a few sentences detailing what had happened that day, how Yasha had come across the flower. And always they were written in such a beautiful cursive that somehow Beau would never have guessed came from Yasha’s hand, yet at the same time made complete sense.

“Your uh - it’s nice” she muttered, throat a little dry, face reddening as she realised she’d missed half the sentence. “Your handwriting” she added, lifting her eyes cautiously to eye Yasha. “It’s - beautiful”

Yasha swallowed, her eyes lifting from where Beau’s finger traced the outline of the flowers and the letters, to instead meet those impossibly blue eyes. 

“It is?”

“Yeah,” Beau smiled brightly, eyes searching Yasha’s. “Honestly, mine is fucking hideous. This is - this is awesome. Where’d you -”

“Nothing about you could be hideous, Beau”

Beau fell silent. 

As did Yasha. 

“I - uh, thanks?” she managed to croak out after a few moments, her eyes now fixed firmly on the page in front of her. “I mean, my writing. It’s really not so great” she laughed a little nervously, dared to glance up at Yasha who was still watching her with a softness in her expression that did something to Beau’s heart. 

The barbarian smiled and Beau blushed, again, and looked back at the journal, carefully turning the page.

“Oh shit. I remember this one” she laughed, thumb tracing the petals of the orange torchbloom flower from Rumblecusp. 

Yasha tore her eyes from Beau to look down at the flower too, a light chuckle escaping her. 

“Yeah, I _really_ wanted that purple one you know?” she smiled softly. 

“Yeah, you wanted it so bad you ate it!” Beau reminded her with a grin, lifting her gaze to meet Yasha’s. 

“Yeah, that was a really weird day” the barbarian smiled. 

“Fuck that, the whole experience on Rumblecusp was really fucking weird!”

“Yes, that’s - you could definitely say that, for sure” Yasha agreed. 

“Some uh - some pretty good moments too though…” Beau lowered her voice but fought hard against her better judgment to keep her eyes on Yasha, wanting to see the aasimar’s reaction. 

It didn’t disappoint. 

Yasha dipped her head slightly, hair falling across her face, a blush clearly spreading over her pale skin, a soft smile crossing her lips at the memory of her wings, her first flight, and of Beau wrapped up in her arms. 

Yeah. It had been a pretty good moment. 

“It was - yeah, pretty unexpected” Yasha agreed quietly, eyes fixed on the flower still. “Unexpected, but nice”

_Unexpected but nice._

Honestly that summed up these feelings she had developed for the monk. 

Beau swallowed nervously and bit her lip as she kept her eyes on Yasha, watched as the taller woman reached up and pushed the fallen hair back behind her ear.

“Your piercings are dope by the way” Beau heard herself commenting before her mind could really catch up with her mouth, her eyes focused on the several ear piercings on Yasha, piercings that she rarely saw, hidden behind the barbarian’s hair. 

The other woman seemed caught off guard for a moment, her fingers gently reaching and brushing over the silver jewellery as if she had forgotten somehow that they were there. 

“Thank you” she replied softly, “They are - _were_ given to me by the Skyspear” she began to explain, eyes drifting towards Beau. “In my tribe they symbolised achievements” 

Beau’s eyebrows rose in surprise. “Achievements? Like what?” 

Yasha sighed softly, it had been a long time since she had really dwelled on any of this. 

“First kill” she whispered, her thumb brushing the lowest piercing. “First battle” she traced the chain that connected the two piercings. “These came together” she explained. 

Beau remained quiet as she watched Yasha. It was like watching someone relearn themselves, a bitter taste on their tongue at the memory of things they had done. 

Yasha chewed her lip gently, her fingers brushing the top two piercings on her ear, but no explanation came. 

“You keep them despite everything…” Beau began softly, swallowing hard as Yasha’s gaze turned to meet hers. 

“There is no future without my past” she whispered in response and it caused Beau to still once more. 

That was deep. 

And she couldn’t really argue with it. 

“Your past doesn’t define you though...you know that right, Yasha?”

The barbarian nodded. “I’m beginning to learn that, yes, Beau” she smiled gently. 

“Good”

“And I hope you are too”

Beau swallowed once more and averted her gaze. Yasha could see right through her and it was terrifying. 

“What about yours?” she finally asked, breaking the silence, and when Beau looked up Yasha nodded towards her and added, for explanation, “Your piercings. They don’t symbolise achievements in your culture...or upbringing?”

The monk chuckled softly and shook her head. “I mean, unless you count pissing off my Dad as an achievement” she joked and Yasha smiled. “In which case I excelled. I took home all the prizes on that one”

“Is that why you got them?”

Beau paused a moment to consider the question, drawing her legs up to her chest, similar to the way Yasha was sitting. “Yeah” she eventually muttered, “Yeah I suppose it is” she admitted, arms wrapped around her legs, and her chin pressed to her knees, head tilted so that she could still see Yasha.

“Honestly, I think when it comes down to it that was the reason I did anything really” she shrugged. “I like to think that’s changing now though…”

Yasha nodded, eyes roaming over Beau silently. 

And then she reached out, her thumb gently brushing the monk’s eyebrow piercing. 

“In my tribe this would symbolise you as a leader” she explained quietly. 

“Yeah?” Beau’s voice was hoarse, a lump in her throat caused by just Yasha’s touch. 

She nodded. 

“Well, in my house it symbolised me as a complete fuck up, a disgrace to the family” the smaller woman shrugged, eyes glancing to the floor at the memory. “I think that the first time my Dad told me just how much of a failure I was, a disappointment, how much of a mistake it would be to leave the business to a fuck up like me - I think it was the night I came home with this” she gestured meekly to the piercing.

Yasha tensed her jaw at the thought of Beau’s Father. She despised the man for everything he had made her friend feel. 

“You could make his business twice as successful” Yasha shrugged, and a small smile tugged at Beau’s lips, and something she wasn’t willing to name tugged at her heart. “You would be a great leader” she continued, “You _are_ a great leader” she smiled, thumb gently brushing the piercing once more before recoiling her hand. “I think of you as a leader, Beau”

“Thanks Yasha” Beau smiled gently, taking a moment to be able to properly piece together more words. “You uh - you’re a leader too…”

Yasha immediately shook her head. 

“I don’t lead. I follow” she shrugged simply. “And I will follow you for as long as you will allow me to, Beau…”

“I uh -” Beau’s eyes widened, her words stuttered and her heart was beating out of her chest. 

Sensing the awkwardness Yasha quickly changed tact and sat up a little straighter. 

“You said you were cold earlier…”

“Yeah. Cold. Yeah I was”

“I’m sorry, it slipped my mind. Let me see if I can find something to warm you…” Yasha began to sit up and without thinking Beau reached out, her hand placed over Yasha’s knee to halt her movements. 

“You’re warm”

“Yes. Yes I am for sure quite warm...yes...” the barbarian stumbled over her words, her face flushing once more as she began to realise what Beau was saying, her brain short circuiting. “Would you like to - we could...do you want to -”

“Huddle for warmth?” Beau finished Yasha’s words with a teasing smile, a glint of recognition in the barbarian’s eyes that told her she remembered that past conversation too. 

Yasha laughed nervously, eyes looking ahead of her rather than at Beau. “I mean, it makes sense to…”

“Yeah” Beau agreed breathlessly. 

An awkward silence fell between them and Beau squeezed her eyes shut for a moment before deciding to be brave and lifted her body slightly, sliding across the wall and closer to Yasha. 

“This okay?” she asked in what was barely a whisper. 

Yasha didn’t respond. Instead she shifted a little too, until she was pressed tight against Beau, a gentle smile creeping onto her face. 

“This is better”

“Yeah” Beau whispered, biting her lip nervously. “So uh - Eiselcross?” she offered the change of topic for her own sake, so that she could focus on something other than how good it felt to be this close to the other woman, or how it made her feel when she knew the smile on Yasha’s face was for her and her alone. 

“Eiselcross” Yasha repeated slowly. 

“Excited?”

“Nervous more than anything,” Yasha admitted. 

“About Molly?”

“About Molly” Yasha nodded. “About what dangers might await us there”

“Yeah. I mean, Rumblecusp was fucking dangerous” Beau huffed at the memory of the ghosts, the T-Rex, Vokodo. “But it didn’t feel so dangerous going into it, you know?”

“Exactly”

“You think DeRogna’s hiding something?” Beau asked in a hushed tone, as if she expected the mage could hear them. Perhaps she could. 

“For sure” 

“Yeah” Beau sighed and lay her head back against the wall, eyes falling closed. “We’re gonna have to be careful”

“You’re the one that’s always putting themselves in danger, Beau”

The monk chuckled softly, opened one eye to peer up at Yasha amusedly. “Can’t _pop pop_ from the edge of battle” her smile grew at the roll of Yasha’s eyes. “Besides, I don’t mind getting beat up a little” she shrugged, and Yasha’s eyebrow rose slightly with intrigue. “Gives me a reason to ask you to hold me” she nudged Yasha gently and winked up at the aasimar. 

Yasha’s throat ran dry, her tongue darting out to quickly wet her bottom lip. Beau’s eyes followed every movement. 

“You don’t need a reason to ask, Beau…” the barbarian replied in such a matter of fact way that it caught the monk completely off guard and she stuttered slightly in her response. 

“I uh - huh...what?” she chuckled nervously. 

Yasha didn’t elaborate. She didn’t need to, because she knew Beau well enough to know what was coming. 

“So if I -” the younger woman began hesitantly, her hands lifting from her lap to gesture towards Yasha. “If I asked you now -”

“I would hold you” Yasha confirmed with a nod. 

“Right, yeah” Beau reached up and rubbed the back of her neck nervously, another soft laugh escaping her. 

“Would you like me to hold you, Beau?” Yasha’s voice was so damn soft, and there was a glint in her eye, and - _fuck_ when had she gotten the upperhand in this dance between them? 

“I mean -” Beau bit her lip and shrugged. “Sure. For warmth, right?”

“For warmth” Yasha agreed and only took a moment’s hesitation before her arm wrapped around Beau’s slimmer frame, pulling the monk closer into her embrace. 

_How I wish to envelop you in my wings._

Yasha sighed softly at the memory of that damn poem. She wished she knew the right way to tell Beau how she felt. 

“You’re really fuckin’ warm, Yash” Beau mumbled a little sleepily as she nuzzled her way further into Yasha’s side, seeking warmth. 

And honestly, nothing had ever felt so right. 

“I am quite used to the cold” she answered honestly, mismatched eyes watching carefully as Beau’s fell shut and the monk finally let herself relax for the first time in a long while. 

“S’nice” she mumbled. “You’re nice”

Yasha’s heart skipped and she bit her lip as she looked down at her friend. 

“Beau…” she began before she could really even think about it. 

“Yeah?”

It was now or never. Yasha needed to do this. 

She had told Jester she would find a nice moment. 

This was a nice moment. 

“I…”

A loud crash from the deck above took away that nice moment in an instant. 

“What the fuck was that?”

Beau was sitting up and Yasha was reluctantly removing her arm from around her. 

“Something bad I’m sure…”

Beau nodded and pushed herself to her feet. 

“Yasha, gather the others…”

The barbarian nodded, pushed herself to her feet and reached for Skingorger as Beau headed for the ladder back up to the deck. Before she ascended she turned back, caught Yasha’s eye and they shared a nod. 

Yasha could be annoyed at the interruption later. Her admission could wait. But she felt certain, more than ever, that it would come. But first, they had a job to do.


End file.
